by Spencer Ackerman

I haven't heard this guy Mitsubishi--you
know, the Hasidic reggae singer--but that's never stopped me from
judging someone's career before. My advice, offered sincerely, to my
through-the-bedsheet friend is this: you're too late. It's not like
you've got a bad idea. I would love to have seen a Zionism-on-Zion
soundclash way back when. If you gained a little weight, you'd even look a bit like Prince Far I.
But your time, unfortunately, has passed. Bow out gracefully. These
days, we're looking not for Jewish reggae, but Jewish reggaeton.   Don't tell me it's not out there. The themes are on display. Take a look at Pitbull's album M.I.A.M.I. As in Money Is A Major Issue.  That's not necessarily a Jewish sentiment. But it's not not a Jewish sentiment, either. Plus, Jews and crypto-Jews are sprinkled throughout the Latin American landscape. The Jewish Agency has offices in Costa Rica, Mexico, El Salvador, Panama (move that yayo, Hebrew!), Venezuela and elsewhere. Some of those Jews have got to be in the music industry. It's only a matter of time before someone with bad sinuses remixes "Oye Mi Canto."  (Cue the honey-voiced chorus: "Sat-mar-im (Ha!), Lu-bavitch (Ha!)…")   In fact, there may even be something brewing right now. Eugene Hutz from Gogol Bordello
is behind the most enticing crosspollination of reggaeton north of the
Carribean. It's my understanding that he's not himself Jewish, but he's
going to be in the cinematic adaptation of Everything Is Illuminated,
so that's got to count for something. (Though he'll be playing the
Ukrainian tour guide, so maybe not for much.) What's more, he's a
gypsy, so he would have gone up the chimney with us as well. Put it all
together and that makes him Jewish enough.   One
last thing. Even if there aren't Jewish reggaeton singers or producers
for the time being, that probably won't limit Jewish involvement in the
genre. My favorite bad-for-the-Jews Jew is Jerry Heller,
the yid behind NWA. Though the charges have never stuck, Ice Cube has
long contended that Heller and Eazy-E conspired to rob the rest of the
group blind. Heller himself has been known to work with Latino
rappers--and who knows where the next Jerry Heller
might be in the music industry. So, as a people, our message to
reggaeton appears to be this: Embrace the Jews. There's an easy way and
there's a hard way. Ask Cube.